i need to get a job this summer who wants to hire me to walk around your house dressed in a little maids outfit i wont clean but i’ll bend over alot and stuff
THOSE TATTOOS THAT HAVE AN ANCHOR AND SAY ‘I REFUSE TO SINK’ ARE SO STUPID DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT ANCHORS ARE LITERALLY SUPPOSED TO SINK THAT’S THE POINT OF THEM IF YOU WANT A TATTOO THAT SAYS THAT MAKE THE PICTURE BE OF A POOL NOODLE OR SOME FLOATIES OR SOMETHING
(Source: ordinaryactsofbravery)
i don’t ONLY care about myself. i care about like 5 other people. and animals.
(Source: chickensandwich)
my fave movie is spy kids and my mom uses it against me by asking me to do soemthing and if i dont want to do it she goes.. SPy kids take out the trash
and im ike
Damn it if i dont take out the trash then im not a spy kid so i have to go take out the trasjh
im 26
the sexual tension between you and anyone your age on public transport
GIMMMEEE
(Source: minaslegs)
i didn’t know it was possible to trust someone this much
when people try to force me to socialize
top 3 things about me
- I
- aint
- shit
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad." Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via fawun)
(Source: marleestormborn)
(Source: ruinedchildhood)
Husky dog performs her overly dramatic death trick.
omfg today in English class we were talking about reading books and some girl shouts ”BOOKS SUCK” and the quietest girl in my class says ”yeah almost as much as you do on the weekends” even the teacher laughed omfg
